#464

Release Date: 1987
Previously Owned: No. Unless I have a record hiding in my collection somewhere.
First Time Listen: Yes

Impressions: The path not taken. When I first was getting into music in the early ’80s,  Def Leppard’s Pyromania was out. I was trying out a lot of different things and their hit single “Rock of Ages” momentarily intrigued me– with that goofy count off at the beginning (“Unta glebin gloutin globin,)” big dumb beat and the cool drawing on the album cover. But, thankfully, it didn’t stick and when Hysteria came out, I had already steered away from cheeseball ’80s hair meta entirely. Let’s get this over with… Boring, midtempo stiff sampled beats, sugar-coated guitars without a note out of place, and a flurry of lyrical cliches…and that’s just in the first song “Woman.” Not even that fun in a lunkheaded way. To a song, the lyrics and singing is really horrible. I mean, it sounds like a Spinal Tap parody of this style. Any terrible song that features the singer listing off the names of better rock bands and albums makes me want to put them on immediately. “Pour Some Sugar On Me” is like irony-bait metal with a splash of “rap” for people with horrible taste. Oooh, this “Gods of War” has got SAMPLES! Put it on Top 500 list! If there was any doubt about how bad this album is, “Don’t Shoot Shotgun” comes along to seal the deal. Calling this album over-produced is truly an understatement, it’s possibly THE MOST over-produced album of all time. An entire chapter in the fascinating book about the history of audio recording “Perfecting Sound Forever” by Greg Milner, talks about how producer Jeff “Mutt” Lange and the band took three years to make this album and how every noise on this album was polished to sonic “perfection.” I guess I will grudgingly allow that there are some hooks buried in this sticky mess and the band seems to have some modicum of skill and a overwheming sense of craft: they’re like a less fun KISS and more technical ability. The idea of growing songs in a lab to engineer hits just ends up draining music of any life and giving me a stomachache. Easily the worst album on this list yet.

Starred Songs: None.
Sneaky Track: Nope.
Should this album be on the list? No.
Replace with: Van Halen’s 1984 or Rush’s Moving Pictures would be far better additions in this ’80s hard rock/metal slot. Or just about anything else really. For example, that album that only had versions of Suzanne Vega’s “Tom’s Diner” (Tom’s Album) should be on this list instead of Hysteria.
Will you listen to this again? No.
Verdict: Awful ’80s pop-metal that these days is only discussed as a nadir in the history of music production and engineering.

Rating:  1/2 star